Shoom,

I think "where the river meets the sea" is a neat way of talking about a shoreline...etc. Cool idea.

If I could, I'm having trouble finding the rhythm. Have you considered using a bit of rhyming or some other way to guide the reader?

Besides that, I think the short verses set a nice tone. Like you are listening for someone (the clouds) to respond rather than trying to say something yourself.

Thanks for sharing,

J

Shoomkin wrote on Dec 28^th, 2009 at 12:02am:


Shoom if you're serious about writing my friend the above doesn't really cut the mustard.  If you can't be bothered others may not be bothered to comment or even to read at all.  You're jumping around with tenses in this piece as well and it just feels a little lazy.

You'll have to forgive me, I'm a teacher and I'm never quite off duty.

Sir Shoomkin

I enjoyed reading your poem. It has no flow but is still a good idea. I think if you had worked on it a bit longer you could have made it quite good. Do one about DIBES. 

The Yoketokean of Happiness