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Where the river meets the sea (Read 425 times)
Shoomkin
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Where the river meets the sea
Dec 24th, 2009 at 4:32pm
 
A child waited at the Boyle
Where the river
Meets the Sea

She waits
For the clouds to speak
For there was advice to be had
She had heard

This is the first of a lot of poems that are not made up on the spot, thanks Huh
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Jards
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #1 - Dec 26th, 2009 at 9:25am
 
Shoom,

I think "where the river meets the sea" is a neat way of talking about a shoreline...etc. Cool idea.

If I could, I'm having trouble finding the rhythm. Have you considered using a bit of rhyming or some other way to guide the reader?

Besides that, I think the short verses set a nice tone. Like you are listening for someone (the clouds) to respond rather than trying to say something yourself.

Thanks for sharing,

J
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Shoomkin
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #2 - Dec 28th, 2009 at 12:02am
 
Yes, I have noticed the way it doesn't 'flow' but I can't really be bothered to change it Tongue And there is another big poem about somebody talking to the clouds, I'll put it up if you want Wink
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Carys
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #3 - Dec 28th, 2009 at 7:32am
 
Shoomkin wrote on Dec 28th, 2009 at 12:02am:
Yes, I have noticed the way it doesn't 'flow' but I can't really be bothered to change it


Shoom if you're serious about writing my friend the above doesn't really cut the mustard.  If you can't be bothered others may not be bothered to comment or even to read at all.  You're jumping around with tenses in this piece as well and it just feels a little lazy.

You'll have to forgive me, I'm a teacher and I'm never quite off duty.
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Shoomkin
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 2010 at 1:22am
 
I am quite aware of this but I didn't want to change it as it was one of my first poems, I won't do it again  Smiley

Shoom~
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jaelapp
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #5 - Feb 25th, 2010 at 1:56pm
 
Sir Shoomkin

I enjoyed reading your poem. It has no flow but is still a good idea. I think if you had worked on it a bit longer you could have made it quite good. Do one about DIBES.  Tongue

The Yoketokean of Happiness
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Irish Rose
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Re: Where the river meets the sea
Reply #6 - Feb 26th, 2010 at 1:52am
 
i love the potential for this poem!
watch your tense...
waited/waits

lovely!
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